Diagnosis

February 13, 2018

Seven years ago I was told, “Your body will never return to normal, here’s some pills, come back when you want to drain your bank account and I’ll try to make you pregnant.”

My first thought, *what bank account?*

Second thought, *wait, what?*

I was given a blanket diagnosis for my period never returning. The doctors and specialists didn’t really know why and didn’t care to dig any deeper. I think I was in shock for a time. Newlywed, accelerated nursing student, still a kid really. Because there was nothing to blame, I subconsciously blamed myself. This was only solidified when religious leaders told me my sin caused my sickness. I owned that blame without hesitation, quickly becoming guilt and shame. Without even knowing it, I took on the responsibility of then fixing myself too.

In the early days we grieved the life we thought we’d have, the life everyone expected from us. We laid in bed and wept at the thought of what might not ever be.

The weird part about all of it is I look really normal. But like most of us, the pain is unseen.

Since then I’ve dealt with a lot of health issues and fixated on fixing. Unknowingly feeling the need to fix implies brokenness. What a destructive underlying belief.

I’ll tell you, for the first time in seven years, I don’t believe that I’m broken or in need of fixing. I don’t believe my sin caused my sickness.

I do believe I am perfect just the way I am. I believe life happens for me, not to me. I believe this journey is the very reason I’m compelled and even obsessed with climbing every mountain, giving every hug, kiss and sincere compliment, squeezing every last bit out of this life, focusing on what my body CAN do, living from a place of sheer wonder and gratitude. This life is abundant and more than I imagined. It is precious and not to be wasted buying into the power of sin and brokenness.

If you woke up this morning, if you have breath in your lungs, you my friend have won!

It’s not simple, but I am intuitively pursuing my optimal health and vitality, even though it may look different from the next woman. Through traditional and functional medicine and the healing power of love, I know that my oneness with God continues to create my highest good.  I have hope for a full life, not at all what I expected, but greater.  Releasing all shame, guilt, blame, fear and weighty expectations, I am breaking the mold.

I am whole. I am love.

Although I knew there would be a day I would share my health journey, I didn’t plan for it to be today. But my ever so familiar story woke me at two a.m., asking to be heard and therefore feels timely.  If this resonates with you in any way, please reach out.

You are whole. You are love. You are not alone.

  1. Heather says:

    Lauren, this is beautifully written. I’m so sorry someone told you it was your fault. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. We need more women like you to break their silence and be open and vulnerable about these things so that others who are walking these choppy waters can see that they aren’t alone. We went through a short time after our miscarriage(s) that we wondered if having kids was out of our reach. It wasn’t, but it was still one of the most difficult seasons we walked through. But in that season I met a God who drew so close to me. He was my comforter and my refuge in every sense of the word. Keep sharing, your voice is important and necessary!

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